Why do narcissists seem to pick the worst possible times to discard their partners? Are they really that cold-blooded that they not only break-up with you but also plan to do it at a time that would add insult to injury? What would motivate a narcissist to hurt someone they professed to love so much in such a heartless and brutal manner?
I have heard many stories of narcissists dumping their partners right before a major holiday, or on their partner’s birthday, or after their partner shared something very personal. I’ve also heard of narcissists ending relationships right before a special planned event, or when their partner was down on their luck, grieving the loss of a loved one or even diagnosed with a serious illness. The list of heartless, cold and calculating ways that narcissists end relationships continues on and on.
It is not your imagination. Indeed, it is true that the narcissist will purposely plan the timing of their breakups to occur during times when distress or vulnerability is extremely high in your life.
Narcissists thrive from kicking you when you’re down.
Adding to your troubles and blindsiding you increases the odds that you will become completely unhinged by the cruelty of their cold-blooded actions and complete surprise of your expulsion.
Narcissists are fully anticipating you to beg, plead and promise to change even more than you already have when they unexpectedly break things off with you. It is their deranged way of further managing you down the road and fully establishing their superiority and dominance over you. The more that you abandon all dignity in a desperate attempt to try to understand how they could simply dispose of you as though you never meant anything to them, the grander and more in control they feel.
Your pain creates a transitory jolt of self-worth that silences a narcissists nagging feelings of self-loathing. It gives them a temporary rush. Watching your heart break with agony is literally intoxicating to them. It’s equivalent to a hit of cocaine. Their behavior, post-discard, may appear almost manic as they become drunk in their own premeditated ego boost.
Flaunting a new “supply” or relationship in your face just days or weeks later is their coup de grâce. Emotionally healthy people would feel too ashamed or embarrassed to publicly jump into another relationship so quickly. The narcissist doesn’t. Not in the least.
Why?
Because the narcissist has most likely been planning your discard and smearing your reputation behind your back for weeks, if not much longer. The narcissists’ supporters won’t think twice hearing that you were replaced so suddenly because they have heard all about your alleged faults and misdeeds for quite some time. They more than likely will be happy that the “poor” narcissist has found someone to rescue them from the likes of you.
What should you do if your narcissist breaks up with you unexpectedly and smears your character? Absolutely NOTHING! Their supporters are still under the influence of the narcissist’s stories just like you were. In fact, you’ve probably seen sides of the narcissist that his or her supporters have never seen or could never even possibly imagine. Guess what? You still stayed and hung in there in the haze of your Kool-Aid spiked cocktail mixed with shots of your own cognitive dissonance and unconditional love.
Do not try to defend yourself to your narcissist or their supporters. This is a waste of precious emotional energy that you will need. Do not try to sway the supporters into siding with you. The narcissist has anticipated the things that you might say and has already countered them by planting a very credible sounding rendition of the truth in the minds of their supporters.
“But it’s NOT fair! Why should I let the narcissist get away with trying to destroy my character and play the victim while I’m the real victim and the one hurting?”
It’s not fair. But narcissists don’t play fair or by the rules. They are morally deficient and lack a conscience. For this reason, you can never win a battle against a narcissist. There is no level that they will not stoop to win. Your mind may be able to travel to hateful and horrible places, but your conscience will not allow you to pack your suitcase and follow suit.
You never entered the relationship to play games or “win.” You entered the relationship with an open heart and pure intentions. It may appear that the narcissist has “won” as they are running off happily into the sunset with their new soul mate while you are beyond devastated, just hanging on by your fingertips trying to put the pieces of your life back together and figure out what just happened.
As the fog slowly dissipates and you, like the thousands of survivors before you, will learn that there’s a name for the ABUSE you suffered. It’s called narcissistic abuse. You will realize that the narcissist tried to destroy, devalue and then discard you not because you were unworthy or flawed, but actually just the opposite. The narcissist devalues, destroys and discards from a place of insecurity and inferiority. “All cruelty springs from weakness”. ~Lucius Annaeus Seneca
Narcissists believe that if they can destroy and dominate good people who possess qualities that they lack, then they can adopt those qualities through some disordered process of osmosis.
If you’ve been discarded, most likely it’s a tribute to your strength.
You started seeing through the charade of the narcissist. You began challenging the narcissist on their lies and hypocrisy. You saw their mask slip and caught a glimpse of the evil, phony person that they have been hiding from you. At that point, you’re no longer a good source of supply. Your expiration date has arrived.
Your inkling or glimpse of the truth of what has been hiding behind the mask invalidates the deluded image the narcissist has of themselves. Their cover has been blown and to survive they need to discard you so that they don’t have to acknowledge the reality of their real, flawed self. To acknowledge the truth of their real-self would shatter the narcissist into pieces from which they could never recover.
Unfortunately, understanding the motivation and timing behind your dismissal does not lessen the torment of the feelings of pain, heartache, and betrayal. You’ve been lied to, toyed with, and manipulated. Your love has been exploited and used as a weapon against you. Healing from this abuse takes time and tenacity.
When I said that you can never win a battle against a narcissist, I meant that you can never win if you play their game. That doesn’t necessarily mean that you lose. On the contrary, now that the relationship is over, you are no longer their unwilling opponent in their twisted “love” games. You’re sincere, genuine and you believe that love is not a game where there must always be a winner and a loser. Let the narcissist play the “You’re Always Going To End Up The Loser Game” with someone else.
You may still feel that the narcissist has won and that’s okay. Be patient with yourself. The more time and distance you have away from the narcissist, the more you’ll realize how mentally and emotionally imprisoned you actually were.
You are FREE now. So let go of what you know in your mind is not good for you. That way you will be available to receive what you truly want and deserve.
Copyright © 2015 Bree Bonchay. All Rights Reserved.
Bree Bonchay is a Los Angeles based licensed psychotherapist who believes relationships are the currency of life. She specializes in helping people heal from break-ups, recover from toxic relationships with narcissists and sociopaths and to never settle for a life less than the one they dreamed of. She is a Blogger, Advocate, Facebook Toxic Relationship Recovery Forum Administrator, Radio Guest Expert, and is the Author of the book, I Am Free.
Suffering from narcissistic abuse? Join Narcissistic Abuse & Toxic Relationship Recovery & Support Forum on Facebook by clicking the link.
Free From Toxic 
First of all I must say what great words in this article. And also I would appreciate replies on what I went through. I was 17 when I met my N. Typical swept me off my feet, spoiled me. He had an abusive childhood which seemed to scar him. He joined the army, and after he got home from training he was a pretty unhappy person. So he is in the process of trying to separate. When he got home he got in a pattern of making no effort. He would come home and play video games and we would have sex, and then wake up the next day and do it again. No spark. We broke up because I had a pretty traumatic life event and he did not seem to care. We met up a month later where he gave me back my stuff, and broke down crying on how miserable his life has been without me. Of course I took him back, I loved this man SO much. Weeks later, one day out of the BLUE he declares he cant “do a serious relationship” anymore. And we had a trip planned a week from now, and he even met with my parents to apologize and say he would earn me back and their respect.
I saw a counselor because of the mental pain I have been going through. I told him about my N’s huge ego, disregard for others and my feelings especially, and ability to leave me TWICE so cold and sudden and move on with life like its okay. My counselor pulled out the definitions of a narcissist and anti social personality disorder, which matched him to a T, give or take.
I invested a lot in this person. He came from a underprivileged background. Most of his possesions were gifts from me, and his current career is with my familys business. I loved him so much. But now apparently this love was an illusion, which hurts so bad. I thought this was my soulmate. I just want to see if any of this sounds familiar. He matches every thing a narcissist is, but part of me is scared that I may be making this up…what if hes not?
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I fell in love, or so I thought with a younger ND. It was so much fun. She led me around as if I had a ring in my nose. One day she made a comment when we were on a walk about how great she looks in a certain pair of boots. I replied to it, “you’re so vein” and sang it like Carly Simon would have. She said, “Yeah I am a narcissist” , she then laughed. I didn’t think much of it until one day I asked her to meet me and she said she was late to work. i went by her work and she wasn’t there. When i called her back and asked her what the heck was going on she said to me, “I just don’t want to see you”. Almost screaming at me. Then my head started to rewind. I thought of the time she stood me up for a dinner I had grilled for her. I thought of all the times she was, “working”. I am not over it yet. I continue to put my life back together. It isn’t as simple for me as just dating someone. You see i am the guy, that I imagine there are a lot of in this world. I am the married man that has been married for 10+ years. When the ND came into my life, I was vulnerable. My marriage was not perfect. She knew I was an easy target and was very much the opposite of her. The ND directed the affair like a concert. It was dangerous, it was crazy and it was living on the edge. We lasted for more than a year, but I now bet there were other men at the same time.
As a footnote, I told my wife the entire story. Even the ugly details. So far she is hanging in there, but it has not been a cake walk.
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Yes I was led by the nose also. I just wanted a companion in life as I was planning my retirement. The ND stalked me and completely consumed me with her evil way. I was blinded by love and only now can see the evil intent. It had destroyed my sole as I put my entire trust in her only to find she was a train wreck. Not one bit of empathy for me at what she had done, torn my life and dreams to treads. I was lucky as I saved my home and savings as that was her intent to get hold of that. The previous guy fell that same way.
I am now dating a lady who has been a widow for 15yrs and it was like being raised from the dead for me but I am still bleeding out from the ND damage but not for ever.
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WOW…HEAVY SHIT! I know the feeling…
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Do not question yourself, trust your gut instinct. I’ve dated a narcisist in the past and questioned whether or not he was really one or if I was imagining things. Until you’ve dated one, it almost feels like you were in a bad car accident that you don’t wanna believe actually happened. They have this way of brainwashing and manipulating that even when its over, you start to doubt everything. You are strong, I’m so happythat you were able to get out. Peace and Love.
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Yes, all of this is so true. I had no idea what I was truly dealing with because he was so cunning. I’m trying to forgive myself because I can’t believe I stayed. Anyway, fortunately, it was only for a year and a half. He left 3 months before we were supposed to get married. Had absolutely no emotion behind it. By no emotion I mean NONE. He would never respond regarding how he did me, however he has sent text and e-mails talking about how good I was to him (All of this just days after saying I was the worst person in the world). Oh, I also received an “apology”, which really wasn’t one (BTW, this was through text as well). I was dealing with a covert passive-aggressive. No specifics, just “I’m sorry”, the rest of the text was all about how he is feeling. So, he actually never admitted anything. Wow! the fact that people like this exist is an eye-opener. I mean I know about manipulation but this was a whole different level. Sadly, I just could never truly put my finger on what it was but what I do remember is that I often commented on…the lack of connection; wondering if he was actually attracted to me (I’m not insecure so this was bizarre); how he would not deal with anything; how he would blatantly lie even when the proof was right there (which was often, remember he communicated a lot through e-mail and text so it wasn’t even just my word against his). He would just say I wanted to argue. I often found myself seriously, literally scratching my head. For the first time in my life, I actually questioned my sanity. I have three degrees. This is not to brag but I’m stating that I’m fairly intelligent, so to second-guess what’s right in front of me was really strange. I just received an anonymous V-day text and I’ve been receiving private calls. I just want this part of my life to go away. My heart goes out to those who are in long-term relationships or marriages. I was saved and I will use this to help anyone else I can.
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Do you have any articles about how to co-parent with a narcissist that is actively smearing you? How do I help the children recover from the cognitive dissonance?
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Mine likes to revisit old flames. She has dumped them all in the past. She dumped me for one of them who wrecked his family to be with her, as she wrecked our family to be with him. All the while she said I hadn’t been aggressive enough for her and had bored her. She hasn’t had a job in 11 years.
Now she’s got her sights on another old flame. Another one who had “bored her”. This guy is married with a great wife, great business, a great life, and at 67 years old probably looking forward to a great retirement. I pray to God he remembers her ways and politely rebuffs her. At 56, she is still a ravishing seductress, and I know she is making a play for him. Please pray with me that this man will be strong enough to resist her overtures- for to do otherwise would allow her to destroy the great life he leads right now. And pray for her, too, that she can finally realize her inner horrors, to seek out competent counsel, to come to terms with her condition, and to at last finally have some semblance of true joy in her life.
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The timing of my discard seemed to be set to inflict a lot of damage.
It was 3 months into a long distance relationship with a guy who was very sweet, affectionate and talked about love and eventual marriage up until last the last time I saw him. I thought everything is going along just fine.
Then the texts slow down, become colder and after I ask what’s going on, he calls and says he’s been “watching” me for the past 3 months and now that he knows the “real me” (huh? In a long distance relationship?), says I’m just too different (huh? We never had any conflict.) and that he needs to find someone just like him (huh again?). Then he changes his relationship status to Single so that everyone knows without any further discussion. He’d invited me to a friend’s party for the weekend after he called, I’d bought the airline tickets and given him the flight info a couple weeks prior to this occurring. But after the call I’m removed from the guestlist of the party. I would have stayed home, but I still have a bunch of stuff at his place (which he encouraged me to bring) that I have to get back. So I have to book a hotel room for the weekend, pay for taxis, food etc., which more than triples the cost of going. But he gave me my stuff Friday without showing any empathy for me at all.
I kept trying to make sense of it by sending him a message on Friday and Saturday, trying to figure out if this is a misunderstanding, it’s cold feet or something else. But I’m essentially abandoned in his city until I finally hear from him on Sunday afternoon. When I remind him of the cost and effort I spent to get there due to his original invitation, and ask if we could have an honest conversation about what happened, he agrees. But it has to be short, after dinner and cocktails with his friends and I have to agree not to add any input.
I replied that he hasn’t been showing me any respect (which set him off – He said that I was judging him.) and meeting to talk under those conditions would be a waste of time, and bid him goodbye.
I called him on his behavior from the start and said that making a decision that affected both of us without saying anything to me ahead of time wasn’t respectful and said it again at the end – all labeled as judgment. Still doing it the week before a trip that I’d already committed myself to was pretty mean-spirited.
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Hi, came across your page and it hit home. I was discarded simply because I fail to act. I didnt assumed like she wanted me to, so she started the devalue face and I notice it so a few months later the discard came, just because I stopped giving or helping because I questioned her and that I felt it was a one sided relationship. 3 yrs and gone just like it never meant anything. But moving on and ahead. I have learned alot from this.
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My own mum & sister are the narcissists and i had to cut ties with the pair of them last Dec as it was making me ill.
My sister is 3y younger than i am and grew up getting away with everything even talking to my parents as if their crap. I said to my dad, why do u let her talk to u like that? His reply was, that’s the way she is to which my reply was, no that’s the way that u brought her up allowing her to speak to u like that to which i received no reply as they know that i am right.
I grew up with very severe atopic eczema (to which i still have) where i was bullied very badly throughout my School yrs. Then i would go home and both my mum (m) & sister (s) would taunt me. When my parents went out for a few hours, she would invite her pals round and literally take control over the house. She gave me a fat lip once having punched me in the mouth, threatened to glass me on the head with a glass bottle and also told everyone lies to make herself look good to which she admitted and still does having turned her husband, his family & their friends against me when i have barely said a sentence to them if any.
A couple of years ago they eloped to which she told my parents to not tell me but my mum let slip that she was babysitting my wee niece as thty had gone to a wedding not realising that it was my own sister who had eloped.
I found out a week later when someone informed me to look on a social media site. Mum told me, is it out in the open now? To which she later denied ever saying later down the line when my dad said to drop it as they found out at the same time that I did until i reminded them that my mother had slipped up and accidently told me.
Their reply was that i was attention seeking and to stop making it all about me when i wasn’t. Even my bro-in-law told me that. My sister said i wasn’t worthy enough as a sister to be told and said her husband hated me when i haven’t done anything wrong to deserve to be disliked. My sister also turned around and said that she didnt care that I had been raped twice and misscarried my babies as a result of being sexually abused by a male that I knew when I was 17/18. My mum also liked to regularly taunt me that i had nothing to show for my life meaning that i am unmarried and childless at the age of 37 when she knows full well that i have been seriously ill since i was 20 and just bcos it hasn’t happened doesn’t mean that it won’t.
My mum has informed that it was my fault that i got raped, had a miscarriage, i was sexually abused whilst at Uni by 2 female teachers to which mum told me that was my fault. When i used to visit home, she’d take 2 bits of meat out of the freezer for both her and my dad for their tea but would refuse to feed me unless i had bought it myself. That would start an argument between both my parents as my dad would stick up for me, if i wanted to go to the city as we live rural, she’d charge me petrol and lunch money knowing i wasn’t earning and she was, i suffer from a rare life threatening condition and i had just been discharged from the hospital a couple the previous day. If i get diarrhoea and vomiting, it can kill me. I asked mum to finish her shift to take me to the hospital as the meds wasn’t working and my organs were starting to shut down. My mum refused to finish her shift and chose her patients over me. I almost died. If i had of been admitted, none of my family would have visited and upon discharge, i know my mum would make up an excuse not to fetch me in the car preferring me to endure a 3hr commute consisting of 2 buses, a train and quite possibly a taxi over a 30 min ride in the car. I have been in and out of hosp and was in for 3 months as my liver was poorly. My friends asked if my family ever visit from scotland or ring me when i am ill to which i said No. When i was unfortunately made homeless back in 09-10, mum said i could only go home for 2 weeks then i was out on my arse. What sort of a mother sees her own child living on the street with no food and money. She said it was my fault that had happened. When i endured sexual harassment from drs who treated me, that was in her words, also my fault. When someone asked me on social media certain q’ns, i told them the truth to which she didnt like as ‘i was painting her in a bad light and to take the post down’ to which i refused.
All of my drs and healthcare prof incl the friends that i do have have said that they are disgusted by the way my mum and sister treats me. Mum practically disowned me @ 23 and started treating me like this as i was supposed to marry a dr but ended it as he was abusive. Mum said i should have stayed with and married him as i had let the family down for ending it but i would much rather be with someone who treated me better. I will never forgive my family. I have lost many friends bcos of the way they treat me.
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What happens when it’s one of your own children? It’s so hard and my heart and been broke into a million pieces.
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Thank you for writing this article this has been my life for 3 1/2 years. This disc had faith has been relentless horrible torture for me and my family. I’ve been reading your articles all night inspired to stay strong.
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This article really hit a nerve. Mine discarded me during the pregnancy and birth of my youngest child (I have 4) – left us homeless, poor. He then paraded his new target to the court cases, boasting how happy he was. It was a total mind fuck. 25 years later, I’m on my feet and he shows his ugly face again. Does this ever go away??
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Wow you so hit the nail on the head for me that was my experience to the whole. I could not understand what I did wrong I was manipulated, used abused tormented, sexually abandoned and my name tarnished behind my back. I adored this woman and treated her like a Queen only to be treated like dirt in return. Thank you for helping me also as I am attending a Psychologist here at home in Australia. John
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I was with my N for 3 years. I also believe he was a sociopath. He did indeed break up with me several times right before holidays and planned trips and he would flaunt new women in my face right when he discarded me. He seemed to take delight in hurting me. He took pictures of me naked without my knowledge and threatened to send them to my client, he cheated with a multitude of women and would blame me when he got caught. He physically, mentally and spiritually abused me and gas lit me until I did not know my own reality and became suicidal. Each time he discarded me he would lure me back in. I finally walked away and exposed him and what he did to me to family and friends so I could assure myself I would never go back and still he texts me. You just have to give up on people like this, there is no treatment and they will destroy you. They are never going to get better and it is not our fault, we are good enough they just want the things we possess in our hearts and they will never possess it, they will die empty, hollow shells of the people they are.
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Hi My Psychologist said that these people circle and will turn up at the least expected times in your life. When you think you are rid of them they bobup 6 months later. The only way to be rid of their manipulation is to discard them from your life all together. They do not exist, their is nothing in their entire being that will change them from what they are. Your pain is their life blood they thrive on watching you crawl grovel and beg for their love the way you give your whole self to them. They are not capable of anything except evil. And I agree with what you have said they end up with only themselves in the end.
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That is exactly what my counselor told me. We feed them their ego kibbles , their life line. Without those kibbles they have absolutely no control and power over us any longer. Once I filed for divorce , cut of all contact , changed my phone no and emails I became immune against his insults , his abuse. I am no longer his supplier but at the same time it gave MY life back. My sanity and my peace returned. Now over 3 years later I look back and not regret one thing about this divorce. But at the same U am aware that ANY contact with him would send me back into the drama, chaos, craziness and I will NEVER go back there. The characteristics and traits are cast in stone. They will never change. The 3 plus years of successfully detachin myself , rebuilding my life and gaining strength and power have made me a strong woman. Also in other areas of my life u find myself more in control than ever before. Him devaluing and discarding me after 20 plus years was a compliment to me it showed that I got too strong for his bullshit lies and betrayals and affairs. Staying strong is my new motto and nothing he could say or do would let me go back. I will not deal with the devil again. I slept next to him for decades and I am grateful I am finally out of this darkness. As for him he can date , have sex with who ever he chooses. I annoy a part of this any longer. I would like to mentio my son is 22 years old and I cannot imagine sharing minor children with a sociopath. My son and I cut of all contact with the ex so we can live in peace. Anyone can be a father but I sure know that my ex could never be a dad that’s loving and caring. A person capable of walking out on a family is not a dad. A person capable of intentionally inflicting pain on his family is not a dad. So I wish him and his minion a great life but since he only loves himself he will always be searching for something he will ever find. Very sad but not my problem anymore.
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I was involved with what I thought was a man who (I found out at the end) had a gambling addiction but am quite sure he’s a sociopath with a gambling addiction. He left me without any explanation but owed me a lot of money that he claims he lost gambling. He was starting a business and the ruse over time was unreal. This was the man I was going to grow old with. ..you all know the story. I found out later there were multiple other women that he took in and took money from. Of course he says he only loved me and whored himself to get money to feed his addiction from the other women. I stopped contact with him 8 months ago but found out he is paying back another woman some money monthly because she took him to court. I have confronted him and he claims he will pay me back but I am afraid of the constant contact and inevitable excuses etc etc. Is it worth it to associate yourself with this evil lying manipulative person again. I am really struggling with this. I know it will be a constant energy drain and/or expensive court fight. It’s a lot of money but not totally financially devastating. I just feel so on edge and all the pain and grief I have gone through is bubbling back up. I want peace and I believe I might be better off writing the money off as a bad debt and keeping my head and heart intact…I’m supposed to meet him today. It’s causing me so much anxiety.
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I was with my narc for 2years The love bombing became the devalue then the discard. I am sorry to say that I took him back numerous times but the last time really was the last time for me. Any love I had for him just evaporated the lies, the silent treatments, the I loves you, the whole circus for me had to end and I have put an end to it. He still tries every fortnight to Hoover me back but I would rather stick pins in my eyes that have him back in my life. You have to stay strong and I know how hard that is but for your own sanity you have to. These monsters do not know when to stop. Love yourself and get rid Marilyn 🙂
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I really would like to know how these ND come off as being so kind? They’re not but attorneys, judges and family and friends feel like they’re the ones who were slighted….by us??? The narc in my life destroyed any self confidence I had and took everything from me when he dumped me for another person. After years doting over me and telling me how much he loved me. ..he loved me to the bone. That’s what he told his therapist…who responded with an “AWE that is so romantic!” That therapist made my life a living hell by being my narc’s accomplice in crime. A female therapist who was married and mature but as uninformed as can be… She actually told the NP to beware of me because I was very intelligent. I think she was alluding that I was the narcissist???? Unbelievable!!!! Therapists are suppose to help not ruin ppl’s lives?
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I feel the same way. My marriage therapist completely sided with my narcissistic ex husband and made me feel like a mentally insane wife. All the while he was lying to her and manipulating her . I often apologized during therapy sessions and felt even worse leaving her office. My only hope and rescue was a criminal defense attorney who also handled divorces. The first time I talked to him I knew I had an advocate. A warrior by my dude who fought for my interests and financial future. My ex could not fool him and the judge sided with me and my attorney. Therapists are mostly not helpful or beneficial when dealing with narcissists. And in reality there is no therapy for them. The only thing you can do is run and go no contact and iniated and go through with divorce proceedings. It is like going to war. You need strong legal counsel on your side. Otherwise you will lose out because they have ways to twist and turn the truth. In the end they are the victim. I thank God every day for my strength and power I gained throughout this ordeal. Life us good again and I I am happy and at peace. And it shows in my appearance. Before I looked haggard angry and sad. Now I am “glowing “. I wish you the best and don’t rely on therapists. In my experience i would have been better off without counseling. At least not with the husband there.
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I enjoyed the article tremendously- it’s incredibly accurate. The unbelievably predictable nature of narcissists never fails to amaze me, so specific are the examples of their bad behaviors in any kind of a high quality observation of them. After being raised by two rather disordered Cluster B-ish parents, and living with a galloping N for about 6 years too long, I’ve noticed some things, too, about their tendency towards outright cruelty at the worst times…
…and I think that a large part of it is because you won’t be free to devote yourself exclusively to their well-being if you’re down for any reason.. How can they be expected to function if you’re not going to do everything for them? Who, exactly, is supposed to hand-wash their angora socks if you’re selfishly lying in bed all day? Obviously, you’re nothing but a lazy jerk, and they’d do better to find a new housekeepe…erm, beloved romantic partner who actually cares enough about them to show it by not becoming ill with anything while they’re needed.
Plus, god forbid, you may need them to do something. Oh hell. Sick, depressed, and stressed people have special needs, and dealing with a loved one in such a condition is taxing even to the most compassionate of individuals. So, if a narcissist cannot even make a decent stab at treating you acceptably under the best of circumstances in normal life, then forget times in which you would truly have to come first, for real. To put someone else ahead of themselves for any sort of prolonged period is practically an anathema to narcissists, and simply doesn’t happen without an ulterior motive. If you find yourself in need of any kind of assistance, the narcissist is the last person to whom you ought to look at such times. It doesn’t matter if you sponge-bathed them in bed, Mary Magdalene-style with your own tears and hair, while they recuperated from the flu and berated you all the while for exposing them to it because they were forced to cheat on you with some sniffling tramp, they won’t remember it. When the shoe is even remotely near the other foot, they’ll accuse you of faking cancer for sympathy in the event that you, say, need some hydration that would require them to go all the way down to the convenience store, all of half a block away, and they were planning to go for themselves anyhow. Just the thought of having to do anything for someone is terrifying to them, and they are certain that your intent is to somehow exploit their kindness and do to them exactly the very things that they do to you each and every day, which they are always on the lookout for someone attempting to do.
I have had extensive experience with this very thing, and it is purely awful. Disheartening, defeating, and enough to make you question your own self-worth, because this peculiar phenomena is the absolute antithesis to what people are supposed to be and supposed to do if they’re even reasonably moral humans. It confirms all of the fears you have about being able to depend on your partner, and sucks the life from you as you wonder what will become of you in the event that you are totally unable to care for yourself and have no one else, because the bastard narcissist has run off every member of your family and any friend that isn’t primarily devoted to them.
I had the misfortune of contracting Lyme disease after a year or so with the narcissist. I have always enjoyed caring for anyone around me who wasn’t well, including him, and fussed over him like nobody’s business at the first moan or groan of discomfort. When I got sick, we were always traveling and on the go with his business functions, and I was worn ragged already just from that, because he certainly didn’t worry about packing bags or taking care of a thousand little details that would just be overlooked if I didn’t attend to them, and I’d have to be the one bitched at for it not being done, so it was easier just to practically be his mother, even though he was 20 years my senior. When I could not stand for the duration of the time that I cooked Thanksgiving for his family, and spent half of it with my arms on my knees, humped over in misery like a winded runner trying to breathe, I finally told him flat-out that there was something badly wrong with me. He looked at me coldly, and snarled, “well, go to the doctor, then, and fix it. But don’t expect me to baby you…I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with you besides pure laziness because you just don’t ever want to clean up after yourself.”
After the visit, and the doctor telling me that she was certain that I had Lyme, he found an excuse or reason to prevent me from future scheduled visits, blood work, or following the schedule of home treatment protocols, whether that meant black eyes that I was too embarrassed to explain, to ‘accidentally’ dumping out or discarding expensive vitamins, while pretending that he wanted me to go to the doctor and outright nagging me constantly about it, but only when nothing could be done, like the middle of the night or on weekends. Stress is the equivalent of death for autoimmune conditions and bad for anyone, but he went to great pains to ensure that I had nothing but in my life. Lyme causes tremendously painful cold intolerance, so he locked me out of the house regularly in the winter. If I had a splitting headache, he cranked the stereo. I sustained a broken femur, upper arm, 2-3 ribs, nose, various fingers and toes, and numerous split lips, black eyes, cuts and bruises, due to the pre-osteoperotic nature of Lyme, and the fact that I made the mistake sometimes of asking him to give me a break because I was feeling so poorly. Any request for leniency in any capacity inevitably ended in violence and abject cruelty in some form or another. At one point, he looked me in pure disgust, and asked, “how much fun do think that it is to be with someone who’s sick all the time?”.
Probably no less fun than to be with someone who is a sick person’s nightmare. But, because I wasn’t perky enough for his taste in those days, he started cheating on me with basically anything that walked, including but not limited to the girls he hired to help me with the house, the ones that he referred to as “dumb white trash”, and forced on me as pseudo-friends because they would report back to him, and at times they and other people he appointed as emissaries were the only way that I could contact him. He would start fights to have an excuse to have to leave the house, and made me look crazy to the world at large, telling everyone around us that there was nothing wrong with me at all, that I was malingering for psychiatric reasons. I contracted the flu, double pneumonia, and bronchitis one winter when his cheating was at its pinnacle, and he was rarely home. By then, I was starved down to around 100lbs, and my optimal weight is around 130…you could count my ribs from across the room, and I grew anorectic baby-fuzz hair all over, and I’m sure that I developed various malnutrition-related issues. He didn’t come home for 11 days that time, refused to answer my pleading calls for him to come home or find me a way to the doctor, while I lay there with a fever of 103 or more for days on end, hallucinating and miserable, without anything to eat and barely able to walk. When he came back, he acted as if nothing was wrong, and I was even happy to see him because it meant a better chance of survival. He pretended to be worried and was actually somewhat kind to me for a few days…until a letter came in the mail, as he knew it would, from his attorney, telling me that I had 10 days in which to get my stuff together and be out of his life, or he would take out trespass charges on me. I had sold my home and given up my job because he wanted so badly to support me, and then he did that, when I was as weak as a kitten and already sick before, with nowhere to go. Any alimony-type funds would only be allotted to me after I had moved out, not a cent before, and it wasn’t his problem that I lacked the ability to have a place to even put my stuff. A huge catch-22, and for several weeks before this happened, he’d been redoing “his” bedroom, which he kept locked and yelled at me for even going near. And then dropped the whole thing, as suddenly as it had begun, and started asking me what kind of furniture I wanted to have in there. I found out later that it was because the new girl he was moving in got arrested and was jailed for awhile, so he acted as if he had re-thought it all, and had a change of heart.
She’s actually my best friend now, and is still with him, to her detriment. I like to think that he knows trying to do to her what he did to me won’t fly this time, and it has actually gone better for her, somewhat…I only wish that I’d had someone on my side, who fully believed me when I was there. There was so much more, so much awful misery and unfairness and general wrong-doing on his part. No lie was too big, nothing too audacious to make people believe about me, and nothing was too good for him. He had me arrested when I found him in bed with his drug dealer’s 20 yr old girlfriend at his lakeside camper, and falsely another time for an assault on him that I didn’t commit as payback for getting caught breaking my arm. He was arrested numerous times from people seeing him hit me, but I stopped even being honest to the police, because that always got me punished for a longer period anyhow while he pretended to respect the restraining order, knowing that I had no means of my own, and that he wasn’t going to stay out of the house any longer than he wanted to. It was a life of extreme ugliness, shame, helplessness, loneliness, despair, and hopelessness. I was isolated alone to a point of still being agoraphobic, and I lost my looks, independence, family, friends, home, car, sanity, and health to it. I nearly lost my life to him, and he promised many times that he would make me kill myself.
The moral lesson here is not to look to the narcissist as a nurse, no matter what, because they will most definitely make you sorry for daring to think that you deserve any crumb of their precious time or resources. In fact, don’t look to the narcissist as anything but a narcissist, unless you’re a massive masochist and don’t enjoy anything in life but pure suffering. If that’s the case, then that’s the man for you.
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Thank you, this article is indeed very helpful.
I could not agree more and even had to smile a little when i’ve read this :”Flaunting a new “supply” or relationship in your face just days or weeks later is their coup de grâce. Emotionally healthy people would feel too ashamed or embarrassed to publicly jump into another relationship so quickly. The narcissist doesn’t. Not in the least.”
Sadly to me this sounds very common.
I really was trying to wrap my head around why he is acting this vicious towards me.
To me it seemed to be a totally unnecessary and hateful act.
Seriously- THANK YOU, now I understand it.
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My wife left me while I was under anesthesia having an operation. Can totally relate to this article. Brilliant. Well done. I am not alone. Going through a divorce now. 👍.
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I was subjected to the most vicious and vilest attacks when I was in emergency surgery all day after crashing my motorcycle early in the morning. The root cause of my crash was my confused and unclear mind, I was upset because of the horrible things that my predator had said to me the night before. I never told him this, instead I apologized for making him upset!
Now I have his scars on my heart and my body. Whenever I look at my broken and disfigured left hand I see his empty soul and vacant eyes laughing back at me with a sickly sardonic grin.
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In my case I was in the psyche ward after a bad breakdown. I was working two full time jobs trying to keep up on our house bills, Christmas and his mom. When the conditions of the house was horrendous. He took the kids and fled to his moms. Then he expected me to clean the whole thing alone. He then kept asking when I was leaving because it’s only fair I sleep on the couch. I ended up in the psyche ward. It was there that he told me he cheated on me and wanted a divorce. He kept saying I gave him permission. I was so tired and depressed thanks to his constant cutting remarks. I was not in the right state to consent to anything. I was then asked why I was hurt when I never loved him. Yet for 10 years I was made to feel like he hated my guts. Then he would want to be intimate or suddenly remember our anniversary. Yet I was the abusive one that deserved to get cheated on.
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The first time my N discarded me i was shattered into a million pieces. I was so in love and he had taken me to meet his family in another continent! While there, i was introduced to everybody, friends and family in equal measure. Parties were thrown for me so” i could meet” more and more friends and family… now i know it was his show. I am more educated than him and he was boasting to them that he has a highly educated woman…. i was a bit perplexed by his boasting and even change of walking style in front of his friends… It was a perfect fairy tale. In front of them i got anything i wanted and even more….. but when we were alone, he was exhausted and tired. But still we had incredible sex. After we came back he boasted to our common friends about how we were amazing together…. telling them its just a matter of time before he proposes. Everyone was jealous of this match made in heaven. He even threw another party on Saturday for a few friends to let them know we are back and share this story of his family amazed by me and how he knows am the perfect woman. That Saturday we had amazing sex. On Sunday he was cold, and we were tired anyway…..On Monday morning before i left for my town, he told me he was not attracted to me anymore. He said he even wonders what he had seen……….. this was a shocker!!!!
That is how i discovered NPD… i was looking for answers… i needed a closure. On Wednesday, he had another woman on his profile picture….and announcing his new found love.
After two weeks he came back crying and lamenting how he was sooo stupid to leave his perfect woman (Me). He begged me to come back…. he said he would do anything under the sun to have me. Your guess is right, i fell for him again. It is two months since then and the devalue has started…… he is chatting with over 5 women and he thinks i have not noticed…..and from the chats he sleeps with them all. …. Last weekend i noticed he signed up on a dating website and is a paying member…… and still telling me the sweet nothings.
I need to break off…..but dont want him to know i checked his tablet and saw all these communication. But I am done.
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“Your mind may be able to travel to hateful and horrible places, but your conscience will not allow you to pack your suitcase and follow suit.”
That is a fantastic and revealing thought. The damage is done BECAUSE sometimes the conscious by its very nature makes it difficult to believe another human does not have one. Empathy is the first human trait, and there’s often not enough nurture in the best environments to overcome the absence of this core element to retrieve the person from a destiny of evil. It’s all relavent. She did to me what Hitler did to Europe. In every way.
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I was in a relationship with narcissist for more than a year. We were sexually involved and also we were in a live in relationship.when I talk about maaraige he slipped away from me kind of phasing out and broke up with Ms on my birthday. I begged him and pleased him to celebrate this day with Me but he lied to me and also he completely disregarded my feelings. He owed me a lot of money as well which he never returned. I kept in calling him while he was making excuses and kept on lying to me about money. One day I called him 6 times he didn’t pick up my call. After exact 3 months he called me for his fake apology but he didn’t want to get back together. He was not at all shameful and also he was blaming everything on me and after a month I found out that he got married. I m still wondering how anyone can forget what someone has done for them and why he felt the need to apologise if he was getting married??
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Been with this narc for 16 years. First devalued & dumped after 6 years then back together after 10 months. Now 10 years later here we go again. I wish I could say it was easy locking the door behind him, but it’s been the most difficult 3 months of my life.
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