The Disturbing Combination of Narcissism And Food

Have you noticed that so many narcissists exhibit disturbing behaviors around food? I mean, many of them hoard it and diligently keep track of every item in the refrigerator and pantry. Many don’t like to share it, not even with their own children. They often will make you feel bad for eating it. And at other times, they will make you feel bad for not eating it.

Now, I’m not suggesting that this behavior is a characteristic of all narcissists. But it’s not surprising that so many partners and family members have a lot to say about their experiences with narcissists in the kitchen. When the narcissist’s combination of pathological selfishness and the need for control and dominance rear their ugly heads, it all too often can be seen in their behaviors concerning one of our most precious resources- food.

Narcissists are control freaks and their need for control often extends into the bellies of those around them. Living with the self-appointed food patrol is nothing short of grueling. The refrigerator can feel more like a battlefield when you open the door and cautiously attempt to navigate the contents on the shelves trying to recall the limits of the narcissist’s Mine and Not Yours boundary system. Even children are expected not to cross enemy lines and are severely penalized for any attempts at trespassing. For many people who have lived with a narcissist, the experiences of love, nurturing and sharing are unfamiliar, especially in relation to food.

But why?

Food as A Method of Dominance And Control: Eating is essential to our very survival. When we eat, we are ensuring our continued existence. We are making ourselves a priority by engaging in the act of self-love and care. Narcissists don’t want their partners and family members to act with self-love. Self-love promotes feelings of importance and independence which threatens the narcissist’s need to be the reigning superior.

Controlling and scrupulously accounting for the resources essential to our very survival is one of the ways narcissists establish dominance and control in their relationships. It’s similar to the behavior of animals in the wild where there are strict rules in place that maintain the hierarchy. For instance; the alpha lion in the pride is always the first to dine after a successful hunt and the canine pack leader is the always the first to enjoy the feast. It boils down to maintaining their position as Numero Uno by reminding the other members of their clan exactly where they stand in the pecking order and whose survival is most important.

Many narcissists diligently take inventory of every consumed item that resides under the roofs of their homes and they are quick to point out violations of portion equality. Your violations, not theirs, of course.

Even when they’re not hungry and aren’t planning to eat, they’ll become annoyed and sometimes enraged at any suggestion that they should just share and not worry about who ate how much of what. They would rather see their serving spoil than relinquish their claim to a piece of cake or slice of something.

And if you unwittingly serve them the smaller piece, they will insist with all the immaturity of a 5-year-old child that their slice must be equal to or larger than yours. To receive a smaller helping is absolutely offensive to the narcissist because it doesn’t support their inflated view of themselves or uphold their place as Top Dog.

But here’s the real twist. When you innocently serve the narcissist a smaller portion, they will seize the opportunity to accuse you of being selfish. No one wants to be blamed for acting selfishly, especially when they’re not, so the next time and every time after that, you’ll be absolutely certain to prove your unselfishness by giving the narcissist the bigger portion.

Through this gesture, you begin to symbolically (through food) agree with and support the narcissist’s need for dominance and your status of lesser importance by default.

Food as A Method To Manipulate And Impede Bonding: In most cultures sharing a meal is a bonding and nurturing experience. It is even built into our evolution. Starting from day one, while new mothers nurse their babies, their brains release the cuddle chemical, oxytocin, that forges the bond between mother and child.

In addition to the evolutionary influence that nourishment provided by nursing mothers has on bonding, every important event or celebration in our lives is organized around food. Sharing a meal or as the popular idiom suggests, “breaking bread” together is an intimate, bond-building experience.

Feeding another or sharing a meal is considered and experienced by many as an act of caring and nurturing. It requires giving of yourself and your resources. But narcissists are too pathologically selfish to participate in any act that requires them to give if they’re not going to get something out of it in return. And they’re not interested in the mutuality of bonding; they’re interested in control and only nourishing their own egos.

And here’s another example of how narcissists will seize an opportunity to make you feel bad when it comes to meal time. They enjoy creating no-win situations and cooking for you gives them the perfect opportunity to put you between a rock and a hard place. They’ll cook for you and then find something to complain about. Either they’ll attempt to make you feel guilty for not eating enough (it doesn’t matter that you weren’t all that hungry) or they’ll chastise you for eating too much. No matter what you do, you will always be at fault for something.

Some narcissists will prepare a meal for you only to pick a fight because you didn’t make a sufficient fuss about how tasty it was or provide them with an adequate amount of praise. Their seemingly loving gesture of planning and preparing a meal for you was never about providing love, nurture or caring; it was all about their need to siphon supply in the form of props for their culinary skills and effort. It’s never about you. It is always about them and always will be.

Perhaps the most disturbing examples of food used as a weapon to manipulate and control come from the children of narcissistic parents and caretakers. It’s not uncommon for a narcissistic parent to restrict or withhold food as a form of punishment, to garner compliance or just because they can. Many narcissistic parents invent arbitrary rules that govern when their child can and can’t eat without any regard for or concern about the child’s internal hunger cues. A narcissistic parent feels entitled and will have no problem eating something off their child’s plate without asking and if the child protests, the parent will say something like, “I thought you were finished.” But if the same child tries to eat something from their parent’s plate, they will be subjected to the worst kind of narcissistic wrath.

Narcissists of the engulfing type expect their children to like and enjoy same kind food as they do and dismiss the child’s wants and preferences causing severe psychological invalidation. The list of ways narcissists tighten their grip of control through the use of food are endless.

I’ve found that if you’re having major adversarial conversations about the purchase of, storage of, a division of, or anything else concerning food, you’re most likely dealing with a narcissist. And a word of caution, don’t ever mention you’re on a diet to a narcissist and expect support in any shape or form. Sharing information of this type is like giving them an open invitation to set you up for failure. They will suddenly develop cravings for your favorite off limit food and mercilessly tempt you with it only to then turn around and criticize you for any breaches of your willpower.

Copyright © 2016 Bree Bonchay. All Rights Reserved.



Bree Bonchay is a Los Angeles based licensed psychotherapist who believes relationships are the currency of life. She’s  dedicated to helping people heal from break-ups, recover from toxic relationships with narcissists and sociopaths and to never settle for a life less than the one they dreamed of. She is a Blogger, Advocate, Facebook Toxic Relationship Recovery Forum Administrator, Radio Guest Expert, and is the Author of the book, I Am Free.

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44 thoughts on “The Disturbing Combination of Narcissism And Food

  1. YESSSS!

    Athena Moberg Nationally Recognized Speaker, Published Author

    I speak weekly at virtual & live events. Strategy Guide 31-Day Devotional Videos on YouTube RokuTV Channel CyberDust App Twitter Instagram Facebook LinkedIn


    • It is! Many justify their selfish, controlling behavior behind excuses such as; lack of money to share or the principle. Nonsense! I’ve found that if you find yourself arguing or having adversarial discussions concerning the division, purchase, etc… having to do with food, you’re probably dealing with a narcissist.


  2. This is so mind blowing,,, my ex did this all the time..If he thought someone ate something, that was exactly what he asked for… I would hide something in the refrigerator, when he complained he didn’t get any I would get it for him and then he didn’t feel like eating it now… If my grandson opened the refrigerator he would say can I help you!! I was married to a narcissist for over 20 years.. I have been divorced for a year and a half and still trying to recover from the divorce let alone the marriage….Thank you for fascinating article.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This is so true. I learnt never to take any food or drink that was his. He shared the food and always took the largest portion. I’m glad I’ve left him.


  4. OH MY GOD!!

    Perfect timing. And everything is a reflection of what I was living.

    I met my N ex at my beach side business…. he was a lifeguard… a good ego boost for him, I found out.

    I’m a chef by trade. I stand and cook all day. I love cooking food for people. I love sharing it…making treats…teaching people.

    My ex must have thought he hit the jack pot. Its only now i realise how much he was using me, and manipulating me.

    I made his lunches for work most days, because it was my way of showing I cared. in the beginning it was fine, then it became expected. and then demanded. when i was under pressure, he would say “don’t make my lunch”… but i knew if i didn’t, it would be an excuse to start a guilt trip based argument.

    I would have to make dinner pretty much every night. I’d work 14 hour days, but Id still have to cook. Then he’d complain dinner was late. On the odd occasion, he did cook for me. once it was a nourishing meal. I would always make sure I cooked good food. It would need to be plated for him. He couldnt dish it himself. I made sure he had enough to eat. He would pay for things sometimes, but when we were in the supermarket, he would behave like a child and walk 5 paces behind me.

    When my circumstances changed with my business (I was bullied in the workplace – and therefore resigned), I found a new job working nights. My car had broken down at the same time, and I needed him to pick me up from work (10:30pm). He would have cooked dinner (shock horror) but it would be hotdogs, and pizza etc. Id barely finish my mouthfull before he’d declare it bedtime.

    in the weekends I would have to cook eggs on toast for breakfast. I got breakfast in bed once. Cereal. Id make the coffee. He’d make himself one and not offer to make me one. Maybe once.

    I got ridiculed for eating chips. “you love yur chips”… yet he’d eat an entire bag. “You’re addicted to those mints” “Did you eat this/that”

    He said in the end, he tried looking after both of us, but he couldn’t look after me. (even though I was expected to look after him). I was too stressful and too much hard work.

    I have often thought – was there something I could have said or done? What did I do so wrong?

    I found out recently that he had also been seeing another girl the entire time he was in our relationship. they’re are now “in a relationship” yet he had still been texting me. His work overlooks my gym. He has been watching me, and texting me whilst I was working out. I ended up having to make a report to the police, for harassment. I never wanted it to go that far. I tried to keep him in good light. But the officer, and my councillor have both said, his words, and pushing me out of bed, and dragging me down the street, is domestic violence, and I have been abused.

    he’s done a good job of messing up my head. Why do I miss his good days? It doesn’t seem fair.



  5. My ex husband controlled what was made. He couldn’t/ wouldn’t eat any seafood of any kind and wouldn’t allow me to make any because the smell would bother him. We even had two grills and I couldn’t use either one for seafood. He got upset when I warmed up crab puffs saying they smelled up the house. I couldn’t make anything that had sour cream mixed in or make certain types of Eastern European food that I liked. It limited us pretty much to chicken , steak, spaghetti , chili, hot dogs… Occasional Chinese take out etc. even if we had guests I would have to argue with him that just because he didn’t like something, other people would… I can’t complain that he didn’t cook… He did….. But it always was the same thing…. I also remember one time he made a beef tenderloin recipe that called for blue cheese type sauce which I liked, and he insisted in poring over the meat, which I didn’t. He kept insisting I eat it that way and I finally gave in because I was tired of arguing with him… He also would make snide comments about how I ate most of my dinner when out and didn’t leave him any leftovers to eat at the restaurant. This upset me because he would tell people this and made me feel like a pig because I would eat my food not leaving him any sometimes.

    So I agree, they do try to control the food. Mine wasn’t stingy with it, but it had to be what he liked and forget about you…..

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Pingback: The Disturbing Combination of Narcissism And Food – Parental Alienation's Dirty Secrets , Akin to Domestic Violence 40 yrs ago

  7. WOW!!! I have noticed this for YEARS and never had confirmation/validation that it was linked to the disorder! This just blows me away. My N always helps himself to the food on other’s plates, monitors us at meals (especially sushi where it’s a large order of sharing food), and hides his expensive protein bars in his home office. THANK you for finally validating what I’ve been witness to all these years!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. BREEEE! I suppose I should simply post this as a comment on the blog, but I was not quite sure how I wanted to present it… Here goes. (*snark alert*snark alert*) So, as you know I am 42… I’ve attended 20+ weddings in my lifetime and observed the following scenario play itself out more times than I care to mention. While this may sound incredulous and even “paranoid” to some, I know you truly get it, my friend. Your blog post caused this memory to come to the forefront of my mind…

    Marital Bliss Amiss via The Narcissist

    Ahh, the wedding day has finally come. Families of both the bride and groom are gathered together alongside friends, co-workers and loved ones who are excited for this blessed union. The bride is gorgeous; her gown is perfect. The groom is joyful and becomes misty-eyed as he catches the very first glimpse of who he will make his wife. The ceremony is tender; the nuptials hand-written. The groom and bride kiss… Everyone stands applauding—not knowing this may be one of the very last fairytale moments this couple ever enjoys. The kiss is perfect of course, and cannot be forgotten. Their new life has just begun. They are proudly pronounced man and wife. Tears are shed, lavender is thrown. Smiles are everywhere. On to the wedding reception! A fun time is being had by all. Silly dances, toasts, even belly-laughs are shared. It almost feels too good to be true…

    [plot twist]

    The narcissist bride or groom will often “jokingly” refuse to—or somehow avoid the opportunity to lovingly feed the slice of cake to their spouse during the cake ceremony. Instead, the narcissist finds a way to either smash it in their unassuming partner’s face “just for fun, c’monnn can’t we just be playful”. This one seemingly innocent act gives the narcissist not only the upper hand, but presents a perfect opportunity to remain the center of attention in that moment of the wedding reception when all eyes are on them. The few seconds of humor (read: humiliation) is all the supply they need to satisfy them until later. That one moment is enough. The looks of shock & awe on everyone’s faces and the laughs this emits, are a generous helping of narcissistic supply.

    Years go by and the narcissist will find reasons to mention this one hilarious moment in time—or even go so far as to frame a not-so-flattering photo of the spouse who got their face covered with icing on their “special day”. The narcissist may even go so far as to chastise their spouse for “not ever having a good sense of humor”.

    How’s that for a peek at what life is gonna be like in the marriage?

    Just saying’…

    [food stuff is big stuff…even if it is just a piece of cake]

    Love ya girl!!! 🙂 Athena

    Athena Moberg Nationally Recognized Speaker, Published Author

    I speak weekly at virtual & live events. Strategy Guide 31-Day Devotional Videos on YouTube RokuTV Channel CyberDust App Twitter Instagram Facebook LinkedIn

    Liked by 1 person

    • Athena, perfect example and your description couldn’t be any said any better or more accurately. Thank you for bringing this piece to life!
      And, I agree. It is a big piece. It effects survivors to the core. It may be just about food but it’s really not. It’s about nurture, caring, survival and basic human rights and it’s effects are felt so deeply, even on a subconscious level. Xx

      Liked by 1 person

  9. So this was a major issue in my marriage. On top of what the article describes I had another issue that really made me self conscious. I would want to cook for my husband and according to him I never made what he felt like having but would never help give suggestions on what to have. I asked for a menu and hr would say, I dont know what I feel like having in a few days. If I cooked he didn’t eat, if I didn’t cook, he couldn’t believe I didn’t cook cause he wanted to eat. He knew I was self conscious so never told me if something was good and if I asked if he liked it he would say “I didn’t say it was bad did I?” He felt I cooked for the kids and gave him leftovers and that the meal wasn’t made for him. Thank you for this article…I always felt so silly when I spoke about food and my ex…it was a huge issue for me but its food so it seems ridiculous but it more than “food”.


  10. I cant even begin to tell you how DEAD ON this is to me. Married 23 years to a narcissist who used his supposed LOVE of cooking to manipulate and control us. Everyone always thought how awesome it was that he always cooked ..but what they didnt know..he’d get extremely angry if we didnt eat it and then yell and scream that he’s never cooking again..only to cook again the next night. Reading this makes me want to scream!!! But I needed to see this and know that it wasnt me, he’s the evil POS


  11. I knew that Narcissistic people can be hoarders, but I never considered they would be doing it with food. Great article–very interesting read!


  12. My nazi mother was the food police. She never bought me bananas because she didn’t like them. If she made a pie, she would wait till I took a piece so she could call me fat. She assigned a name of fat face to me and taught my brothers and dad to call me that. Any time I ate, I was told how fat I was , or was going to be.


  13. One more thing,,,, Mom allowed older golden brother to eat off my plate, steal my meat. Not much meat to be had because we didn’t have a lot of money. Every meal was a battle. He got my portion many a night, and NPD malignant mom would smirk because after all “wasn’t I a fat face”,,, and didn’t deserve it anyhow. I used to protect my food with both arms every night.


  14. If you have ever known an anorexic then you have known someone raised by a narcissist. My parents are both very much like the narcs described. One of my most clear memories of growing up is being always hungry. To be continuously underfed in an affluent family while everyone else eats their fill is horrible. BodicaBaby


  15. To;janlipinskigmailcom and BodicaBaby I am so sorry your parents used a basic need to hurt you. I hope you find a way to see the pain and injury had nothing to do with anything you did. It was all a sick game created by evil people. I wish you both peace and God’s blessings.


    • Thank you for your kind words, Bellamariec. I did find a way to deal with my narc birth family by going full no contact. Have a lovely day full of hope and happiness. BodicaBaby


  16. Yes, my exN was strange with food too. Should have known years ago, when he tried to steal half a steak off my plate. I stabbed him with a fork. He never tried that again.

    After 25 years of marriage he started cooking his own food (steak, steak and steak) and not eating with us anymore. The guy went out of his way to light the bbq. On his own. When asked about it he said he had come to a point in his life where he was not eating just any old food anymore. I asked him for a list of foods he was eating. He gave me half a list of veggies. Everything starting with R,S and T. The rest was missing. He ate prawn spaghetti though, even if he had said he would never eat pasta again. He complained my cooking was disgusting (he’d stuffed himself with it for 35 years) so I told him he might try making 2 meals a week for all of us, something he liked. He spat out ‘but I work!’ So do I buddy, have done for 40 years and have made every dinner in this house for the last 35 years. You lunatic.
    My daughter tried talking to him. Dad, we have to eat things we don’t like every now and then too. His answer? Yeah you have too. I’ve got money to buy what I like, you don’t. Great dad by the way.
    O and one other, last thing. DON’T TOUCH THE LEFTOVERS IN THE FRIDGE. EVER.

    So glad I kicked him out after 35 years of his bullshit. 4 years down the road now. Free at last and eating well. 😉


  17. My situation is a bit different regarding the kitchen. My mother was a homemaking teacher. We never lacked for food, nor do I remember not being allowed what I wanted. My Daddy was a basic meat, potatoes, bread, vegetable guy, so she stuck to that sort of variable menu.
    I am 66, my mother is 95. She does not do family meals anymore. She says she just can’t do it, and I understand that. But, if my sister and I were to say we would cook at Mom’s house for the family, she would be right there in the kitchen with her walker instructing us on how to do things including what pot to use for each item.
    I hate to cook, and pretty much don’t. I have pondered for years why I never wanted to cook. While watching all the wonderful cooking shows on TV, I have heard most of the cooks say that they grew up in the kitchen with moms and grandmothers. My mother usually shooed me out of the kitchen and told me to go do my homework or practice piano. I could never do anything right or fast enough for her. Other than setting the table, cleaning up the messy kitchen & washing the dishes, an occasional job was organizing the kitchen drawers and cabinets because she is not good at keeping things in order. As far as cooking something, it was a dessert to take to a covered-dish supper. Always the same cake that I had learned and mastered.
    As I look back on extended family meals served at her table, she would call for everyone to come to the table, everybody sitting there waiting for her to sit down to have the blessing, but she would still be walking around doing just one more little thing. My thoughts were that she was making sure that everyone saw this arena as her domain, and she was “large and in charge.”
    Cooking and entertaining for me = hell no! The idea just leaves a terrible taste in my mouth.


  18. Omg I thought my ex was the only one who did this because I had never heard of others acting this way about food. My ex was a professional cook so he knew how to cook amazing meals, but he would deliberately undercook food he made for me, like chicken being pink for example-then get furious when I refused to eat raw food. I told him I’d cook, but he wouldn’t let me. It was beyond bizarre! When I would cook a meal he would do something to ruin it & then scream at me! Meanwhile he had an eating disorder, starving himself for days at a time, expressing disgust when anyone else tried to eat-man I’m so glad that’s over I can’t tell u.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. This is so true. My ex insisted that I pay for 1/2 of our food bill even though he always ate 2/3 of it. His portion always had to be twice the size of mine. When he moved his drug addict son into my house, without my knowledge or my permission, he asked me (with a sly smile) if I would continue to pay for 1/2 of the food bill! I of course refused, but he was hoping to continue to take advantage me – apparently enjoying a private joke that I wasn’t aware of until that moment. Also, he wouldn’t let me go food shopping by myself. If I put something in the cart that I liked, he always took it out & said “we” didn’t need it. That was the only time he ever said “we”. Also, he insisted that dinner be ready and waiting for him when he got home after work or he’d pitch a fit. The only time he ever cooked, he’d make spagetti which he knew I couldn’t eat. Oh, and father & son both pitched their dishes in the sink & insisted that I wash all of them. One evening, they walked shoulder to shoulder through the dining room, just as I was going to ask if he had a preference for a vegetable for dinner. All I got out was his first name, trying to get his attention, and he yelled, “Why are you trying to pick a fight!?” I’m glad they’re both gone. I still have a long way to go to heal, but at least my home is peaceful again & I get to make my own decisions.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Wow, fascinating–the first argument my SO and I had after moving in together was about food…! We were not very good about coordinating food shopping at first, and I had 2 toddlers from my previous marriage, and one night all we had to eat was a box of mac and cheese. He was at work so I fixed the M & C, and the kids were so hungry they ate it all. I figured that when SO came home he would find something to eat or pick something up, like he had BEFORE we ever got together. Instead he went into the first rage I ever saw, screaming that I shouldn’t have used the M & C (it was HIS), never mind the fact that the children at least got fed. I was completely floored. He swore at me and called me vile names. I had NEVER seen anyone react like that before. First of many times, unfortunately.

    He was very critical of how I cooked, and used the “I came from a middle-class household and my mother cooked THIS way; you (meaning me) were raised poor and don’t know how to cook properly” ploy. I cooked spaghetti wrong apparently. And I had to give up some of my favorite foods, because he didn’t like them; and if I cooked them anyway I was disrespecting him.

    It wasn’t until years later, after cooking his way for a long time, I happened to ask what he ate before I came along? He was rather sheepish, and admitted he lived on fast food and TV dinners. 😀


  21. Amazing insight. The narcissist I just evicted from my life is convinced she is a fabulous cook. She would spend entire days paging through cookbooks, then go out and spend $50 to make some recipe out of them. But virtually everything she made was swimming in excess olive oil and way too salty. She would then watch every bite I took and criticize either how I used my knife, whether I ate enough, and so on. Her food was almost always terrible, and virtually always was something I didn’t want to eat. But of course I was never asked.

    Unless my reaction was exactly what she wanted, she would be outraged and guilt trip me about how she’d spent all this time and money on food and I never appreciated it. She has never understood why I’d rather eat out than eat her food. Well, because if I was out, I could order something that wouldn’t make me feel sick, or like I drank half a bottle of oil. (And then there were ongoing battles because she has always been quite overweight and resents it because I’m not.)


  22. My ex NC , ( 14 days only-no contact) his mask would come off when he ate, it was strange.
    He’d get a mean look. ( I guess he couldn’t eat & fake being a decent person).
    Could it be because I was enjoying something, other than him? Or because sex, food & hurting others, are the only real positive feelings they have?
    He’d give me a tiny piece of pizza. I told him I loved parmasean bites, he’d order them & not offer any to me.
    Steak, I would get a tiny piece.
    When he was happy with me & after I got up the nerve a year later, I acknowledged his food behavior, he stopped being greedy, but again only if he was happy with me.
    I remember leaving a tiny piece of pizza that he gave me, on the table, and didn’t eat at all and he looked at it and stopped serving tiny portions again for a few weeks.
    I’m glad I found this article, I thought I was the only one going through that.
    My friends still talk about my piece of small steak with mostly fat ( I bought 3 steaks) he bbq 2 of them, giving one to his son. His son asked why he didn’t cook the other one for me, he said there wasn’t enough room on the grill.
    Even restraunts, he didn’t want me to eat after he was finished? He’d make a remark. Why?
    Sooooo after I became a vegetarian, I got my own cheese pizza & my own cooked food!
    He’d flash the meat in front of me , made him feel good to have something I couldn’t have.
    When I told him my children’s father stopped eating meat in front of my daughter for a week to help her then NC acted like he was supportive,


  23. I have had a rather strange occurance with food & narcissists. It happened on 2 occasions with 2 different male narcissists.
    I was in the beginning stages of my relationship with narc 1 & invited him to dinner @ my place. He refused, said he couldn’t. The exact same thing happened a year later with narc 2. Both of these men have enjoyed cooking with me and for me on several occasions. I’m wondering if i am overanalyzing or if this isn’t a direct reflection of their need for control & their emotional avoidance…


  24. This is so true food is used it as a weapon against women and children, “who is the bread winner in the family” the very statement has narcissistic overtones.
    The system supports narcissistic behaviour mainly male against female, I know I have lived this


  25. I “once” gave my hungry friend the left-overs from our dinner one night, she came right after we finished eating. I never heard the end of it. I’m serious, months later he would bring it up??? Same with “his” beer. OMG – just remembered Christmas – He berated me and said something like, ” I don’t know why you have to have a catered event for your whole family at my expense. Meanwhile in reality, I had made a few appetizers and put out a bar for about 6 family members we had over on Christmas Eve! He always insisted on doing the shopping together – here I was a grown woman who had been grocery shopping forever and suddenly I was doing it all wrong??? I finally stopped going with him to the store because it was too much pressure. Oh and get this- I PAID for most, if not ALL the food. Don’t even get me started on the coupon debacle…Couldn’t cook with Crisco or any kind of grease – not even for GRAVY!!! Had to have a certain brand of this, that and the other… Kept track of everything, had to have extras of everything…

    Liked by 1 person

  26. My ex went so far as to claim a cabinet for his food. We were a family of five but only he could eat the food in that cabinet. He also got where he wouldn’t eat what the rest of us ate, even though I am not a terrible cook. More than once, when company was joining us for dinner, he waited until the rest of us sat down and then he made himself a steak and ate it in front of all of us. Near the end he was eating steak most nights of the week.


  27. I had a slightly different food experience. My XN was extremely cheap when it came to buying food. It was almost like he did not think that he deserved to have anything good and tended to do most of his grocery shopping at WalMart. If I happened to go to a farmer’s market and buy quality food, he would get upset, almost to the point that he refused to eat the good food. One of his favorites is cherry pie. I would buy a beautiful, Amish made pie, but he would refuse to eat it, preferring to buy the 88 cent little cherry pies at WalMart. He would say the pie “was too pretty to eat”. WTF? It wasn’t HIS $ This was only one example of food weirdness. Another one is coffee and bread. I love, love really good coffee and can drink a lot of it. He refused to buy anything but the cheap, 6 dollar a can, Master Chef brand (Wal-Mart). Which is ok, but sometimes I would like variety. Same with the bread – when I was with him, all I could buy was Italian, either with sesame seeds or without. I like to change up the bread and go with healthier options, which I do now, since we broke up 8 months ago and NC for over 3 months. Yay, me! As my daughter said, when we broke up, “now that you got rid of his cheap ass, you can up your coffee game” and I did!


  28. My mother was shocking. Shopped prepared stored food cooked baked friedroasted. At mealtimes Iit was all about her food. Like a party she put on to garner praise. It made me sick. I had years of it but couldnt put my finger on it. I remember a boyfriend at one time phoning me to go for a drive. Mothers enabler husband suggesting I make some sandwiches and have a picnic. I made some and on my way out she said make sure you replace the bread! Bring a fresh loaf back. Mean spiteful controlling woman.


  29. I have seen it many times with several in my household, I have seen this same kind of selfishness and pattern with other property not just with food, other things like clothes, vehicles, even the garden soil, anything weather jointly accumulated or purchased or not it doesn’t matter regardless if it is personal or household or anything, as the self entitlement and control is huge.


  30. Is it possible to be a bit on both sides of this topic? Some of this I feel could be me with my attitude toward food….but that’s mainly because my family (my mom’s side especially but also my dad’s (dad in particular, he’s a huge plate grabber/food stealer (did this with fudge I bought over a holiday up north this summer both when I had it at the place we were at and then later when I accidentally left it at his house when we got home, and when I called him on it he placed blame on me)) ) has a tendency to have little respect for food boundaries (or in my mom’s side case many in general, could say SO many things here) to where I feel I HAVE to be protective of what I have just so I don’t get stepped on, and even then at times I do. I’ve had stuff thrown away many times without my consent and in the case of my grandmother many things just flat eaten without ever asking me first. I say something when it happens but nothing ever changes. It got to the point where I started hiding what I bought in my bedroom just so no one else would take it. I don’t mind sharing but I want the choice to share, I don’t like it forced on me and when I feel cornered like that I am liable to close up fast and often do.

    This is just one of the many issues I have with both sides of my family but yeah….just kinda wondered here, cause I relate to a lot of what is posted here but…the way I am is not for no reason either.


  31. Oh my goodness!!! This is soooo true and I’d never heard of it before! My ex narcisst had so many issues around food. He would say im eating too much, call me “Hoover” and even encourage his two little sons to tease me and call me this! Then he would keep tabs of his boys eating and they were NEVeR allowed to eat any kind of junk food..if they did he would critise and berate them for hours about it! He would even tease them! He would always comment on how I was cooking (because his mother did it best!) and I always felt it was never good enough.. He would tell me I can’t eat certain foods at certain times and would tease me if I did! Mind you, he was of course allowed to pig out of McDonald’s whenever he wanted ! Makes me sick! And I’m at a perfect weight for my height and have never even overweight or even close! So it wasn’t as if I was trying to loose weight.
    Control freak!!!


  32. My narc mother died 2 years ago. One of my brothers and I were up late the night before the funeral drinking
    We held hands and I whispered we are free. He squeezed my hand in aknowledgment. She was the frugal food police to a tee. It made me sick at mealtimes as all talk was centred on her food! Too crispy too salty should of could of etc. I always thought it odd but now the penny has dropped. We were trained to be her narc supply around the table complimenting her average meals. Jesus wept!


  33. The narc ex h used to collect grocery reciepts from me and count all the groceries and determine whether too much money had been spent. Then I was required to pin the reciept to the cork board in the kitchen, this went on for 20+ years.


  34. I remember giving my ex narc a bottle of wine and some chocolates for his birthday and he kept them to himself and shared them with no one. On other occasions, he’d share special treats with me but not with our children. My eldest daughter food stores. Hers and yours in the fridge. Drives me crazy as no one can touch her food but she’s happy to eat the family food.


  35. When we first got together he would tell me his ex never cooked. I have 3 kids i’m from the South I cook. One incident i didn’t cook the grits to his liking and he complained it wasn’t what he said but the way he said it so I told him i would never cook it for him again and i didn’t. But that was just the beginning . He doesn’t eat anything green and if i cooked it i had to hear how gross it was. But he would complain I don’t cook then when i did cook he would either come home and go to sleep not eating or argue with me leave and eat fast food or even just buy fast food and tell me he didn’t tell me to cook no mind that i Have 3 kids and they have to eat.He would also ask me what i wanted to eat and then complain that he didn’t eat that. Or he would just eat off of my plate but if I did that OMG WWIII. He only really ate steak hamburgers beans chili chicken o and the famous 4 for 4 let me not forget pizza. I could go the remainder of my life without another slice of pizza. I used to enjoy cooking I got so frustrated it became a burden i loathed it . I got so nervous i lost 20 lbs. I would get the food sit down to eat take 1 bite and loose my appetite. Then he complained about how i used to be fine now i’m a stick. You are driving me nuts that is why. I looked at him one day and i hated him I knew at that moment I couldn’t reside with him not another minute. He looked like a demon to me. I locked my door and told him he was no longer welcome it has only been 2 weeks but i’m at peace my kids are at peace and while i still love him sick i know i cannot be in his presence.


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