The 8 Most Common Narc-Sadistic Conversation Control Tactics

Do you often engage in conversations with your narcissist that leave you feeling like you were talking to a brick wall – or worse, maybe leave you feeling like banging your head against a brick wall? Perhaps, it has even crossed your mind that you would have been better off conversing with a brick wall because the wall would have more capacity of providing understanding, validation, and empathy than the narcissist in your life!

Real life conversations with a narcissist are exhausting, dizzying, nerve-racking, and make you feel like you’re going crazy – or at least drive a compassionate person to question their own reality, and even their sanity at times. The circular conversations leave you feeling worse off than if you had never had them in the first place. You begin to blame yourself, doubt your instincts and wonder what the heck is going on?

10 New Year’s Resolutions For Narcissistic Abuse Survivors

The New Year represents renewal, new beginnings, and a clean slate. It rests in our hands like a blank book. What will you write for the next chapter of your life?

If 2016 has painfully reminded us of anything, it’s that life is short. Tomorrow is never promised. Every day is precious. Much too precious and valuable to be spent disconnected from yourself, walking on eggshells, living for others, and settling for a life less than the one you deserve.

Happy New Year my friends. Hope your 2017 brings you many blessings, peace, and freedom.

Cheers,  Bree

Bonchay is a Los Angeles based psychotherapist who specializes in helping people heal from break-ups, recover from toxic relationships with narcissists and sociopaths and to never settle for a life less than the one they dreamed of. She is a Blogger, Advocate, Facebook Toxic Relationship Recovery Forum Administrator, Radio Guest Expert, and is the Author of the book, I Am Free.

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The 11 Most Common Narcissistic Hoovering Tactics

There’s a phenomenon we’ve all experienced at least one time called Synchronicity. It’s when you think of someone you haven’t thought about in years and then run into them a few hours later. Synchronicity always reminds me of another phenomenon that I call Coincidental Hoovering. This phenomenon, more often than not, happens to the former partners, and relatives of narcissists. It’s when you finally start feeling some relief and peace in your life and make a giant Stover move like finally deleting your ex’s telephone number or an even bigger Stover move and change your number, and then out of the blue, you receive some kind of communication or an unexpected visit from your narcissist.

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The Reasons Why Narcissistic Parents Designate A Scapegoat & A Golden Child

Narcissistic parents who appear to be great parents are the worst of all. These toxic parents are the ones who you would never suspect. They could be active members of the PTA. They may be regular church goers, the beloved community leaders or the ones who regularly donate to charities.

On the outside, they appear to be wonderful doting parents with perfect lives. The pillars of society. But in the privacy of their own homes, they’re bullies. They are tyrannical. They run their homes with all the love of an incubator, and their children are mere ornaments.

The Truth About Getting Closure With A Narcissist

The concept of closure means different things to people. We can’t see it, touch it or even agree on exactly what it is but so many survivors of narcissistic abuse hang their whole relationship recovery on getting it. Unfortunately, you never get anything that resembles real closure with a narcissist. And even those folks who don’t want their ex back still believe it will help them to feel better and make it easier for them to move forward if they could get closure in the form of knowing that their ex-narcissist misses them, wants them back or is at least sorry.

But the sincere apology you’re waiting for isn’t going to happen because narcissists just aren’t sorry. They lack the ability to feel real remorse for their actions. If they had that ability, you wouldn’t be left feeling the need for closure or validation. They don’t take any responsibility for their actions, which is why on their way out the door, they will lay all the blame on you for the problems in the relationship along with every crappy quality they own.

When they leave relationships or end them abruptly, there are often more questions than answers adding to the need to find closure. Mixed messages are their specialty. Creating confusion and doubt is what sends their former partners into a closure seeking mission. With icy cold detachment and completely void of any emotion they will deliver condescending but seemingly caring parting words. They may say things like,  I wish the best for you, or I never meant to hurt you, or I hope you find someone who makes you happy and they may even add, the break-up is as hard on me as it is for you. However, their actions will tell an entirely different story and reveal the truth.

Within days or weeks, they most likely will appear on social media with a new target, publicly flaunting how happy and in love they are with their new soul mate. This is only meant to drive the knife into your heart further and reinforce the belief that the problems and the failure of the relationship were all your fault.

See how happy I am? See how wonderful my new soul mate is? The messages they’re sending you, and everyone else for that matter are since they found a fantastic person who is capable of filling them with such joy, then clearly you’re the one to blame for the relationship’s problems and ultimate demise.

You ‘re left believing that if only you had tried harder, or were more generous, nurturing, understanding, more in tune with their needs or whatever inadequacies they were trying to convince you of, things would have been different. Don’t fall into that rabbit hole. That’s  exactly what they were hoping would happen.

In healthy relationships, both partners share the responsibility for the failure of the relationship. The break up is never sudden or out of left field. Both partners usually have tried and tried, often spending months if not longer, discussing their problems and trying to repair the issues in the relationship. In reality, narcissists don’t have any interests in finding solutions to fix the problems in their relationships. Frankly, the relationship works just fine for them the way it is. It’s just how they intended it. Fixing it would only cause them to have to start reciprocating, compromising, giving and renouncing their control.

Healthy people don’t publicly flaunt their new relationships on social media within days or weeks after a break up because they know that not only is it hurtful to their ex that they once loved, but it is immature and doesn’t reflect positively on them at all.

There is no closure to be found with toxic people. Closure requires honesty, compassion, and accountability. And a person who could ghost you, blind-side you with a break-up, dump all the fault on you and replace you before the body has even had time to get cold doesn’t possess the mandatory qualities necessary for proper closure.

Wanting your ex to miss you, want you back or apologize to you is prolonging your suffering and impedes any hope of recovery. It’s hinging your future happiness upon external validation.

The more you develop a rock-solid sense of self, the less moved you’ll be by the opinions and affirmations of others. This is your starting point. This is where you need to focus on finding your closure. This is where you’ll find the only validation that matters. Yours!

For more on finding closure with a narcissist, click here.

Bree Bonchay is a Los Angeles based licensed psychotherapist who specializes in helping people heal from break-ups, recover from toxic relationships with narcissists and sociopaths and to never settle for a life less than the one they dreamed of. She is a Blogger, Advocate, Facebook Toxic Relationship Recovery Forum Administrator, Radio Guest Expert, and is the Author of the book, I Am Free.
                                 

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Suffering from narcissistic abuse? Join Narcissistic Abuse & Toxic Relationship Forum on Facebook.

Copyright © 2016 Bree Bonchay.  All Rights Reserved.

The 3 Early Red Flags You’re Dating A Narcissist

It can be difficult to tell if that great guy or gal you’re dating is really a narcissist. After all, hiding who they really are is what narcissists do best. And the worst narcissists, the ones you really need to watch out for, are the best at concealing it. Even those folks who believe they’ve acquired Sherlock Holmes level detective skills for spotting these wolves in sheep’s clothing still find themselves raising an eyebrow, questioning every indelicate word or dubious action. Fortunately, there are three tell-tale early warning signs, so if you see any of these, do yourself a favor and swipe left.

What You Need To Know About Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

For many survivors of narcissistic abuse, recovery is a slow, frustrating and tedious process. The frequent complaints of pain and emotional distress are often dismissed by loved ones and even mental health professionals as malingering and a lack of desire to heal and get better.  However, recent trauma research indicates that these complaints are the direct result of the real physiological damage done to survivors while they were exposed to the prolonged emotional and psychological trauma of an abusive relationship.

A Simple Remedy For Feeling Better After Narcissistic Abuse

If you’re struggling to heal from and move on after narcissistic abuse, you’re probably frustrated that it’s taking so long. Healing from narcissistic abuse is so much more complicated than healing from a regular break up. This is why the typical breakup advice and tips not only don’t work but often times leave you feeling even worse off and wondering if something is wrong with you? The popular breakup wisdom that advises you that you will feel better if you find a new hobby and change up your hairstyle doesn’t help you to get over it any faster. The common remedies for a broken heart fall short because they don’t address the broken spirit, mind-bending confusion, cognitive dissonance, unanswered questions, lack of closure and the callous post-discard behavior characteristic of break ups with narcissists.

Go “Stover” After Narcissistic Abuse

Stover isn’t just no contact, no response for a certain amount of time to clear your head and heal your heart. Stover is a frame of mind. It’s your new mantra. Stover is rejecting anyone who doesn’t appreciate you. Stover is closing the door forever and putting a padlock on it. Stover is accepting the relationship is finished and there’s no turning back, no matter what. Stover is ensuring there is zero possibility of any reconciliation or potential for a future friendship. Stover is letting go of the need for vindication or hope of an apology. Stover is accepting that the outcome was inevitable. Stover is building an impenetrable fort of protection. Stover is erecting a boundary that is indestructible. Stover is reacting proactively to guard against relationship amnesia. Stover is feeling confident about permanently ejecting toxicity from your life. Stover is crossing the bridge, then throwing a grenade over your shoulder and blasting the bridge to bits. Stover is diffusing the narcissist’s vortex from ever regenerating. Stover is taking back your power. Stover is the sum of many small actions that equal complete and total self-love. Stover is the loudest silent message that the relationship is not just over, it’s STOVER (So Totally Over!).  Click on the link to read more about How To Permanently Detach From A Narcissist.

Bree Bonchay is a Los Angeles based licensed psychotherapist who believes relationships are the currency of life. She’s  dedicated to helping people heal from break-ups, recover from toxic relationships with narcissists and sociopaths and to never settle for a life less than the one they dreamed of. She is a Blogger, Advocate, Facebook Toxic Relationship Recovery Forum Administrator, Radio Guest Expert, and is the Author of the book, I Am Free.

 

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Suffering from narcissistic abuse? Join Narcissistic Abuse & Toxic Relationship Recovery & Support Forum on Facebook by clicking the link.