The Truth About Getting Closure With A Narcissist


The concept of closure means different things to people. We can’t see it, touch it or even agree on exactly what it is but so many survivors of narcissistic abuse hang their whole relationship recovery on getting it. Unfortunately, you never get anything that resembles real closure with a narcissist. And even those folks who don’t want their ex back still believe it will help them to feel better and make it easier for them to move forward if they could get closure in the form of knowing that their ex-narcissist misses them, wants them back or is at least sorry.

But the sincere apology you’re waiting for isn’t going to happen because narcissists just aren’t sorry. They lack the ability to feel real remorse for their actions. If they had that ability, you wouldn’t be left feeling the need for closure or validation. They don’t take any responsibility for their actions, which is why on their way out the door, they will lay all the blame on you for the problems in the relationship along with every crappy quality they own.

When they leave relationships or end them abruptly, there are often more questions than answers adding to the need to find closure. Mixed messages are their specialty. Creating confusion and doubt is what sends their former partners into a closure seeking mission. With icy cold detachment and completely void of any emotion they will deliver condescending but seemingly caring parting words. They may say things like,  I wish the best for you, or I never meant to hurt you, or I hope you find someone who makes you happy and they may even add, the break-up is as hard on me as it is for you. However, their actions will tell an entirely different story and reveal the truth.

Within days or weeks, they most likely will appear on social media with a new target, publicly flaunting how happy and in love they are with their new soul mate. This is only meant to drive the knife into your heart further and reinforce the belief that the problems and the failure of the relationship were all your fault.

See how happy I am? See how wonderful my new soul mate is? The messages they’re sending you, and everyone else for that matter are since they found a fantastic person who is capable of filling them with such joy, then clearly you’re the one to blame for the relationship’s problems and ultimate demise.

You ‘re left believing that if only you had tried harder, or were more generous, nurturing, understanding, more in tune with their needs or whatever inadequacies they were trying to convince you of, things would have been different. Don’t fall into that rabbit hole. That’s  exactly what they were hoping would happen.

In healthy relationships, both partners share the responsibility for the failure of the relationship. The break up is never sudden or out of left field. Both partners usually have tried and tried, often spending months if not longer, discussing their problems and trying to repair the issues in the relationship. In reality, narcissists don’t have any interests in finding solutions to fix the problems in their relationships. Frankly, the relationship works just fine for them the way it is. It’s just how they intended it. Fixing it would only cause them to have to start reciprocating, compromising, giving and renouncing their control.

Healthy people don’t publicly flaunt their new relationships on social media within days or weeks after a break up because they know that not only is it hurtful to their ex that they once loved, but it is immature and doesn’t reflect positively on them at all.

There is no closure to be found with toxic people. Closure requires honesty, compassion, and accountability. And a person who could ghost you, blind-side you with a break-up, dump all the fault on you and replace you before the body has even had time to get cold doesn’t possess the mandatory qualities necessary for proper closure.

Wanting your ex to miss you, want you back or apologize to you is prolonging your suffering and impedes any hope of recovery. It’s hinging your future happiness upon external validation.

The more you develop a rock-solid sense of self, the less moved you’ll be by the opinions and affirmations of others. This is your starting point. This is where you need to focus on finding your closure. This is where you’ll find the only validation that matters. Yours!

For more on finding closure with a narcissist, click here.

img_9351Bree Bonchay is a Los Angeles based licensed psychotherapist who specializes in helping people heal from break-ups, recover from toxic relationships with narcissists and sociopaths and to never settle for a life less than the one they dreamed of. She is a Blogger, Advocate, Facebook Toxic Relationship Recovery Forum Administrator, Radio Guest Expert, and is the Author of the book, I Am Free.
I Am Free                                 

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Suffering from narcissistic abuse? Join Narcissistic Abuse & Toxic Relationship Forum on Facebook.

Copyright © 2016 Bree Bonchay.  All Rights Reserved.

Go “Stover” After Narcissistic Abuse


Stover isn’t just no contact, no response for a certain amount of time to clear your head and heal your heart. Stover is a frame of mind. It’s your new mantra. Stover is rejecting anyone who doesn’t appreciate you. Stover is closing the door forever and putting a padlock on it. Stover is accepting the relationship is finished and there’s no turning back, no matter what. Stover is ensuring there is zero possibility of any reconciliation or potential for a future friendship. Stover is letting go of the need for vindication or hope of an apology. Stover is accepting that the outcome was inevitable. Stover is building an impenetrable fort of protection. Stover is erecting a boundary that is indestructible. Stover is reacting proactively to guard against relationship amnesia. Stover is feeling confident about permanently ejecting toxicity from your life. Stover is crossing the bridge, then throwing a grenade over your shoulder and blasting the bridge to bits. Stover is diffusing the narcissist’s vortex from ever regenerating. Stover is taking back your power. Stover is the sum of many small actions that equal complete and total self-love. Stover is the loudest silent message that the relationship is not just over, it’s STOVER (So Totally Over!).  Click on the link to read more about How To Permanently Detach From A Narcissist.

img_9351-1Bree Bonchay is a Los Angeles based licensed psychotherapist who believes relationships are the currency of life. She’s  dedicated to helping people heal from break-ups, recover from toxic relationships with narcissists and sociopaths and to never settle for a life less than the one they dreamed of. She is a Blogger, Advocate, Facebook Toxic Relationship Recovery Forum Administrator, Radio Guest Expert, and is the Author of the book, I Am Free.


Front cover graphic

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Suffering from narcissistic abuse? Join Narcissistic Abuse & Toxic Relationship Recovery & Support Forum on Facebook by clicking the link.

“I Am Free” A Cautionary Warning And An Illuminating Light

Front cover graphicI Am Free: Healing Stories About Toxic Relationships With Narcissists And Sociopaths

I Am Free, the title of this book embodies its core message. For anyone who has the misfortune of being embroiled in a toxic love relationship or family relationship, the essays shared by other survivors can serve as encouragement that escape is possible. None of the writers sugar coated their experiences or the degree of effort that it took to survive, leave and heal from such traumatic relationships.

Time and again, these writers shared that, charmed by their partner, they ignored their inner voices when those early alarm bells rang. Many of these individuals were well-educated, and had successful careers, until… they sank into the quicksand of toxic partnership.

These stories are brutally honest and chronicle the careful grooming process so typical of these kinds of unhealthy and damaging relationships. This makes for a challenging read, AND IT IS IMPORTANT that they are read as both a cautionary warning and an illuminating light so that others might escape and or avoid the perils that these stories narrate.

Written from the heart of survivors of narcissistic abuse, this collection of stories and poems will empower readers dealing with the aftermath of a toxic relationship and serve as a wake-up call to those who are in—or think they may be in—an abusive relationship with a narcissist or sociopath.

I Am Free validates and inspires the victims of toxic relationships with the experiences of people from all walks of life—featuring both women and men who have found the courage to survive abusive relationships either as adults or as children raised by narcissists and sociopaths. These vignettes are heavy, raw, and painful, but the ultimate message is one of hope—that it is possible to gain happiness and freedom after narcissistic abuse.

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Here are just a few of the reviews.

By Melissa408on May 23, 2016
Inspiration, validation and hope after darkness

If you are coming out a relationship with a narc/sociopath, it’s likely that you are feeling confused, crazy, lonely, angry, anxious, paranoid, lost, shame and even hopeless. The more research you do, the more the cognitive dissonance kicks in, the more you ignore your gut and rationalize that your partner could not be a narcissist. Loneliness and isolation are what “victims” feel so this is the book you need to read. Unlike other books, “I Am Free” incorporates data from NPD with real life, relatable stories from fellow survivors that are both uplifting and validating. This book is the loving, supportive, compassionate, understanding, friend we all desired following the aftermath of our break up. For most of us, our friends and family couldn’t help us they way we needed. Only fellow survivors can. I love that this book will help spread self-love and compassion after trauma. This is also a book for anyone who has had loved on in a toxic relationship and cant seem to understand why he/she “doesn’t just leave” and “get over it.”

By Shelby Richardson May 20, 2016
Wow! Excellent book, highly recommend it, exactly what I needed to set myself free!

This book has helped me in so many ways, strongly recommend it. We are victims that need to learn we are also survivors and we need to know we can and will survive it, one day at a time. The best way to learn to survive is learning all you can, and I have been following Bree for a long while now, to help understand, educate, and learn exactly how to set myself free. I AM FREE now, is a wonderful book to help, couldn’t  put it down. So glad to see others recover and read success stories, I found my way now and join me by finally being able to not only read I am Free but to say it and finally mean it that I survived and I AM FREE!!! 5 STARS

By Reader of all sorts on June 6, 2016
Stories And Truth Are Not Shared Over Coffee; No One Believes Them. This Book Will Change That…

Caught in the crosshairs of the cruel drama of damaging families and/or spouses, the sane individual becomes an innocent receptacle for incomprehensible devaluation. The thing is, they don’t even know why these people treat them so and accept that they are powerless. Stories and truth are not shared over coffee; no one believes them. The Malignant Narcissist has fooled the world until now, flashing his most charming facade at the rest of you and expects to continue to hide his enraged self as he has always done; lists of “traits” might give others a clue, but they can continue to hide in plain sight if that’s all you know. This book will change that.

“I AM FREE”, a collection of stories and poetry gathered by Bree Bonchay, tells others in similar relationships that what they are experiencing is real, has a name and is being met by indignation, support and validation in a world which formerly looked the other way, or worse, blamed the strength of those who battled to rise above the vindictiveness of Narcissistic Personality Disorder in their own lives. The words within this book, powerful and insightful, show the facility of these individuals to break free to a SELF-DEFINED reality, to understand those so disordered who nearly broke them and to want to help others by openly sharing how they endured the worst that everyday monstrous manipulators bring – and can say, “I AM FREE” to live, to love and share their unbelievable, true tales.

For more information about World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day and to find out how you can get involved go to. WNAAD

Surviving Narcissistic Abuse Virtual Summit


Register now for this free Surviving Narcissistic Abuse Virtual Summit. It will be informative and interactive. For more details and information about how to register, go to

Tips & Tricks To Move On After Narcissistic Abuse

Breaking up with a narcissist reminds me of my experience with childbirth. It’s scary. It hurts like hell. It’s not something you can ever really prepare for. You feel nervous, afraid and a little relieved. You have no idea what to expect. You’re thrust into unfamiliar terrain and filled with fear of the unknown. When you’re faced with an overwhelming life challenge and feel completely ill-equipped and unprepared to deal with it, you just have to have a little thing called faith, or what I call finding your Bertha.

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How To Permanently Detach From A Narcissist


There is a lot of information already on the internet about the “no contact rule” and how to implement it. The problem is with the passage of time, people develop relationship amnesia and just around the time relationship amnesia begins to set in, the narcissist, like a tornado, will regenerate and strike again. No contact is good but going Stover is even better. No that wasn’t a typo. Stover is a term a friend of mine coined that means the relationship is “So Totally OVER” or Stover. Going Stover is a lot like going no contact only on Red Bull, and best of all it protects against dreaded relationship amnesia.

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